Bad days.

This past weekend, I wasn't in the best spirits. I'm not sure I can pinpoint why. I know what I was feeling - angry, tired, fed up, lonely, lost, and so many other emotions - but there was this underlying anxiety and frustration that I couldn't explain.

Radiation is extremely tiring. The treatment is really easy, the appointments typically go by very fast, and it's not invasive at all, but it's exhausting having to go to the center 5 days a week. My days are structured around these radiation appointments, so it feels like I can't really do much until after they're done. My appointments are smack dab in the middle of the day, too. So I just sit around waiting for 12:20pm to roll around. I could technically go do something beforehand, and a few days I've gone hiking, but my breast is so itchy and swollen, that it's uncomfortable to wear a bra, and I can't put any lotion or creams on it until after radiation is over. I'd rather be uncomfortable at home, where I can laze around in an oversized t-shirt and no bra until it's time to get ready and attempt to look civilized. And for whatever reason that I can't explain, a big side effect of radiation is fatigue, so I'm tired all the time, but I'm not sleeping through the night, and can't fall asleep for naps for the life of me. My body is boycotting me.

So, I felt all of this frustration and anger building up, and then despite my best efforts to rein it in, it boiled over and my mom and I got into an argument yesterday over stupid stuff. I left the house to my usual retreat when I'm having a bad day - Half Moon Bay. It being a Sunday in August, everyone else had the same idea, so traffic sucked. I called Becky on my drive there just so I could cry it out. Thankfully, she's a good friend and let me just sob about all of the stupid shit that was on my mind. My frustration at this situation, how my life was so different just a year ago, how I still don't know how to tell a potential partner about my health, and so many other things. I continued the drive on 92, not caring about the traffic, cuz at least I was out of the house. My car has become a safe haven - this little bubble where I can let my emotions just flow out of me, without having to try to explain the tears to someone else. I don't have to keep my walls up and be strong for everyone else. So I continued crying even after Becky and I hung up, continued driving, putting distance between me and my world that's currently filled with cancer. All of the beaches were really crowded, despite that less than stellar weather, so I kept driving for a while, before finally turning around and finding a parking spot at a beach. It was too cold for me to stay long, so I sat on a bench and just looked out at the ocean for a while, then got back into my car.

In the past week, I've had a few people tell me that I'm an inspiration. And both times, that made me so happy, because that's all I've ever wanted to be. So when I'm not in the best mindset, and I don't have the best experiences to write about, I feel like a failure. I want to be this beacon of hope for other people who may be going through their own struggles. The negative experiences I have seem like they'd taint that goal. I know that's not true - because no one can be happy and strong all the time, and I know no one is going to think I'd be capable of being all sunshine and rainbows during the biggest challenge of my life. I'm just hard on myself. I think it's important to write about the bad days, to accept them, to do whatever it is that I need to do to get through them, and move on.

It's strange to look back at what my life looked like last summer, and how different it is now. It feels like a decade has passed since then, not just a year. I looked through pictures from that time, and it broke my heart to see how much I've changed. I know that that's all just physical appearance - and with hard work and determination, I can get there again. It just sucks that I'm going to have to work harder than ever to be that person again. Some things are within my grasp to change - like my weight, but other things, like the rate at which my eyebrows and hair grow in, I just have to deal with. I think I just have a big problem with the fact that I feel like my life was taken from me. I was robbed of my happiness.

Today, I got two letters in the mail. One from my cousin and aunt, and one from one of my chemo angels, Kelli. The universe was conspiring to put a smile on my face just when I needed it most, and it worked. It's funny how that happens.

21/30 radiation appointments down. The end of this phase of treatment is near! Here's to many more good days, filled with cookies and flowers and sunsets and beach days and Maggie cuddles.