Hesitation

I live in these moments of hesitation. As if maybe I shouldn't be enjoying life so much, because at any given moment my world could come crashing down around me. That's the thing about life after cancer.. you're left living constantly on your toes. Wondering when will all of those feelings resurface. Wondering when your next meltdown will be. Wondering when all of the horrors you faced will come flooding back in without an invitation and with absolutely no warning. It's the space between remaining stagnant and being propelled ahead, with endless forward motion. There have been so many days where seemingly out of nowhere, my anxiety has peaked and my heart is pounding just because a simple building holds horrible memories. Or my thoughts race back to getting my heart broken in the midst of all of that trauma, making the whole experience that much more unbearable. I'm much more guarded now. With my life and especially my heart. I'm continuing to walk forward in life, but it feels as though I always have one eye over my shoulder. Watching. Waiting.