Cancer and Crossfit

Okay, I know I've seriously been slacking in posting anything lately. I'm still in that limbo - trying to balance the scales on life with cancer and life after cancer. So on non-cancer days, I just want to live life normally without really thinking about anything that's happened in the last 9 months. But I know I can't just sweep all of these life events under a rug. They happened. They're real. I faced them. I overcame them. And now I just need to learn how to deal with them head on.

I've been occupying my time with a new hobby: CrossFit. Yes. I've been sucked into the cult world of exercise by means of CrossFit. It's only been about three weeks, and it's already changing my life. I've wanted to try this type of workout for a long time. My friend Paulina has been doing CrossFit for several years, and was always talking about it when we worked together. To be honest, I've just always been really intimidated by the sport. Last year, when I started working out more, I didn't really know what the hell I was doing. I watched YouTube videos for instructions on how to properly squat, a few friends that I worked out with would help me set up the various machines depending on what I wanted to work out, I'd find new exercise moves through the various fitness pages I follow on Instagram, and one of the personal trainers at my gym would sometimes help me out and tell me what I was doing wrong, and then suddenly this happened:

I grew muscle! I don't know how or when it happened, because it took time, but I just started noticing these awesome changes my body was going through, and I was thrilled. I lost weight, not because I needed to, but because my body just adapted really well to the exercises I was doing, and I started eating healthier (mind you, I was still eating candy and ice cream on occasion). Every day I saw improvements to my muscle definition, how much weight I was able to lift, and I also started to see some vascularity (okay, that part grossed me out a little bit, but was also fascinating). 

Then in November, I came home from a trip and found the lump in my breast. I basically stopped exercising at that point. My mind was occupied with whether or not the lump was cancer, and then when it was, I was busy getting poked, prodded, smashed, and biopsied, and my body was too tired and too hurt from all of those procedures to be in the gym. I also could barely get out of bed because of how depressed I was. I put on this happy, smiling face for everyone, telling them that I was going to be okay. That doctors have come so far in the medical field as far as breast cancer is concerned that I fully believed that I would be "cured". I use quotation marks because I don't think that word is the right one to describe life after cancer, but I don't know a better one. But, while I was putting on a brave face for everyone else, in the privacy of the bathroom, my car, or my room, I was falling apart. 

Surgery happened December 15, and I remember being so angry about the way my body looked afterwards. The scar looked extremely jagged and my breast was this new shape that can't even be found in geometry. Then, I got the addition of Penny the Port, and was angry about how far she stack out, the new scar on my chest, and the fact that I was now bionic. Then in March when I started chemo, the weight slowly started to creep on. For about a month, I was weighing myself on a daily basis, and I stated steady at my pre-cancer weight for a while, but then somewhere along the line, that number that stared back at me kept creeping higher and higher, while my self esteem dipped lower, and my frustration at cancer grew. I was losing the body that I had worked so hard for. 

Every time I saw my oncologist for a check up, he'd ask me if I'd done any exercise. About two weeks after my first chemo, I went on a 9 mile hike, which was still manageable. Somewhere between chemo 2 and 3, I went to a yoga class, but quickly learned I had lost a lot of my strength. About twice during my 4 months of chemo, I went to the gym to lift weights, and both times ended up crying in the locker room because I couldn't lift the same weight I had been lifting 6 months prior. And I was tired. And not tired like "I need to sleep" tired, but fatigued and exhausted. I became puffy and fluffy due to the weight gain, steroids, and water retention, and I hated looking in the mirror. The reflection I saw was not me. I did not accept Cancer Whitney. I would complain to Paulina about how frustrated I was about all of this, and she gently reminded me that once I started working out again when I had the energy, the weight would come off, and my muscles would return. She encouraged me to just eat what I wanted since my body had been through a lot, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and to think of the fat as something that could be later turned into muscle. My winter coat, if you will.

Well, on my last week of radiation, I had dinner with Chris and Becky and Jared, and then Chris was going to CrossFit around the corner. I asked if I could go check it out and watch. And while I think Chris was embarrassed, he agreed, and I met his coach. It wasn't my first time in a CrossFit gym, as I'd been to both of the ones Paulina had gone to in the past. But CrossFit WIT was smaller - more intimate. In that hour time span of watching Chris's class, I desperately wanted to pick up weights and start lifting. I wanted to take back control. I started crying because I was so pissed off at the cards life had dealt me, especially at a time when I was feeling so positive about myself, for the first time ever. 

I told Coach Lutz I was interested in checking it out, and he encouraged me to stop by for a few classes to see if I liked it before I signed up. About a week later, my radiation burns were mostly healed, and I was in the gym with Chris, sweating my ass off in 100 degree weather, doing my first AMRAP. Four days later, I was learning how to deadlift, and then I officially signed up to be a part of CrossFit WIT. 

I've already made friends there, and I absolutely love the fact that CrossFit has such a big sense of community and support. While there's a level of competition with each other, everyone also encourages one another to push past your limits and to achieve new goals. I'm not the fastest, or the strongest, but people have cheered me on through workouts, making me want to succeed even more. I've gotten frustrated several times in the last few weeks with the fact that my body can't do a lot of things it used to be able to, but I have to remind myself that it's going to take time. My strength isn't going to come back over night, and unfortunately, the weight doesn't come off as easily as it comes on. Coach Lutz has seen my frustration, and also has to remind me that the hardest part is showing up to workout. Once I make it there, I just have to put in the work, at whatever level I can. He's modified workouts for me, I take breaks when I need to catch my breath, and there have been several instances where I've gotten cold water poured on my head to cool down. 

Last fall, I was about ready to sign up with a fitness team to start training for bikini competitions. But then I got diagnosed, and that idea got put on hold. Now that I've spent the last 10 months admiring and being jealous of other women's bodies who compete, I've also had the chance to hear about and see what else is involved in those competitions. Fasted cardio, water depletion, and being judged and critiqued on my physique when I've already been my harshest judge for so long no longer sounds like a good time. Rather than having goals of being thin and "toned", I now really want to set goals of being to lift heavier weights. I definitely want to lose the chemo weight, but it's okay with me if that fat turns into muscle and the scale doesn't budge. I want to be able to deadlift at least 110 by the end of the year (I'm currently at 85). I want to love my body again. I want to feel and be strong and be happy with who I see in the mirror again.

Coach Lutz believes in me more than I believe in myself, and every workout he picks my weights for me. My eyes bug out, because I don't think I can do it, and he ensures me that I can. And then sure enough, I can use the weights he picked. Granted, sometimes I have to modify my sets and take more frequent breaks, but I push myself. My left arm is still numb from having lymph nodes removed, and I'm hoping it's not permanent nerve damage. So that side is always weaker when I lift weights, and I can only hope that with time and exercise, it will improve and the numbness will go away. I'm already seeing a difference in the way some of my clothes fit. I don't feel quite as puffy and fluffy anymore, and I love/hate the feeling of being sore again.

Even more exciting is the fact that we're participating in a fundraiser for a nonprofit called Barbells for Boobs. They are a CrossFit nonprofit that raises money for breast cancer screenings, specifically for young women under 40 and men, which is obviously near and dear to my heart. When Coach Lutz asked if people were interested, he already knew I'd be on board. I had already heard of this organization, and was happy to hear he wanted us to do our own event. So on October 10, we'll be doing two of the girl workouts that are CrossFit staples - Grace, and Helen meets Grace if with a partner. My friend Nicole and I are going to do the partner workout. Neither of us enjoy running, but it's for a good cause. I set up my fundraiser page last Sunday, and within less than a week, I'm already almost to my goal. How awesome is that? Go check it out here. 

I have other things to write about, like going to a singles night my friend hosted this past Tuesday, starting to see a therapist again, and getting to meet one of my chemo angels yesterday. I'll update on those adventures in the near future. But for now I'm going to go eat breakfast because since starting CrossFit, I'm perpetually hungry.