Anxiety

I've struggled with anxiety for a lot of my life. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist when I was in high school that I realized that anxiety was what I was experiencing. The unexplainable panic, increased heart rate, sweating, and self soothing habits were all indications of my anxiety. As I've gotten older, I've been better at recognizing it and coping with it. So, it hasn't taken me long to realize that as my final chemo looms closer, the feeling I'm experiencing is anxiety. It's hard to explain, and maybe people won't understand it, but I have a lot of fear about not being in chemo anymore because then that leaves me with the question "so how do we monitor my cancer now?" I asked that question this past Monday at my appointment with my oncologist, and he said from now on I'll have yearly mammograms to screen for recurrence. My thought wavered between "Okay, I'll trust you since you're my doctor," and also "WTF! That's it? No blood tests, MRI's or ultrasounds?!" I had to take a breathe and just accept what Dr. Shek told me. A lot of my experience with this has been trusting other people with my life who have more knowledge about cancer than I do. That's kind of scary, but it's really all I can do. So.. I suppose my follow up care is no different. I just need to be more diligent about self exams.

I also realized yesterday that the last little bit of my innocence was taken away from me. We hear about cancer through other people's experiences with it - their grandmother had it, or their aunt, or cousin - but actually experiencing it first hand is different. You no longer get to be naive about it. I had goals and plans for my life before my diagnosis. Now, some of those things have had to be put on hold. When I saw Dr. Fisch on Monday, I was talking about all the things I've learned about breast cancer and treatment over the last 6 months. He said, "I'm sure it's all stuff you could've gone your whole life without having to learn about." He's right. I wish I didn't know what I know now about breast cancer.

Monday is going to be bittersweet. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the anxiety and possible panic I'll feel about being done with chemo. I know that as much as I'm currently aware of the impending panic, it will likely still increase. I think that being aware of it now has me somewhat ahead of the game when dealing with it as it escalates. I need to remind myself to be gentle with myself. My life has been forever changed by my cancer, but I refuse to let it control how I live.