I figured I should write something since I haven't posted in a while.
My chemo last week went as it usually does. I got my blood work done on Sunday, then woke up early on Tuesday (since Monday was a holiday), got the dry ice I needed for the cold caps, came home, got ready, and off to Kaiser we went. Once again, we didn't start on time because we were waiting for a response from my doctor as to whether they were going to keep the Taxotere at the lower dose, or kick it back up since my liver values improved. My oncologist decided to increase the drug again, and then we got started and went along as usual.
This past week has been really hard. I usually have the day after chemo off from work, which helps me relax, catch up on sleep, and decompress. But thanks to the holiday, I didn't have that opportunity this time, and I didn't realize how much I really needed that extra day to recuperate until now. This whole week I've been dealing with an intense amount of heartburn, nausea, diarrhea (sorry if this is TMI, but if that's the case, you really shouldn't be reading my blog. I talk about poop more than is probably socially acceptable. And, I'm trying to be open and honest here), and lack of sleep. Saturday night my legs were tingling and in pain, so I took a Norco just to feel numb. I ended up running into something on the wall in our kitchen. My family all reacted quickly to see if I was okay, and I just stood there laughing AND crying. It is literally the most frustrating experience to not have control over what is happening to your body, especially for an extended period of time. I think people assume that chemo gets easier the more you go, but it's quite the opposite. The effects are cumulative - so my exhaustion and fatigue get worse every time. I've been taking Prilosec daily for the heartburn, and it seems to not even be effective anymore. I wiped off my makeup last night with a wipe, and the gentle pressure I used caused me to have a nosebleed. I literally can't do anything how I normally would without the fear that something might happen that I can't control. Today, I've dealt with diarrhea all day, and my ass hurts. I finally took an Imodium a few hours ago, so hopefully that helps. It really sucks to take a pill for everything when I hate taking pills.
Exactly two weeks from today I'll be sitting in the chair for my last chemo treatment. I wish I could say I'll be in the chair for the last time, but that's not the case. I'm still going to have to go in for the Herceptin infusion once every 3 weeks until next March, but that infusion will only be 30-60 minutes long, and the side effects much more manageable. A few people have asked me if I'm excited to be done, and yeah, in a way I am. It will be nice to not feel like shit all the time, or have lettuce and corn come out of my ass undigested, or break out into bad acne due to them increasing a drug.. But my treatment won't be done. Only the chemo aspect will be done. Next week I have my consultation for radiation, and from what I've heard, the standard is about 25 rounds. And that's daily (mon-fri). That's just going to be exhausting and uncomfortable. I'm not looking forward to it (but again, who would?). Alicia made a good point last night - she said it's like looking down the barrel of a gun. My very life is right before my eyes, and I'm at the mercy of the person who's holding the trigger (aka - my doctors).
I just realized that today is the 6 month mark since I was diagnosed. It is crazy to think about everything I've done in that time - two biopsies, lumpectomy, IVF (I still need to post about that experience), port surgery, multiple blood draws, seeing a therapist, five rounds of chemo....
For the first time, I have to admit, I am pretty impressed with all that I've been through and accomplished during that time.
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