Memories hurt.

Everything feels sort of broken right now. I feel so incredibly lost in life, for so many reasons.

Just last summer, it felt like my life was falling into place. I was happy. Happy with myself, who I was becoming, the changes I was trying to make with my outlook on life, with my body and exercising and finally accepting what I saw in the mirror. I was still having trouble with school and deciding whether or not I wanted to finish my Master's degree (something I've struggled with for about 3 years), and I wasn't happy with my job, but I was able to find silver linings to those situations. My job was flexible, it was easy money that helped pay my bills, and I enjoyed the people that I worked with.

I feel like the person that I was turning into last summer is now just a dim memory. I don't smile the same way anymore. I don't laugh as often. I have the job that I spent all last year working towards, and now I regret it. I never look for silver linings anymore. I'm incredibly unhappy with the reflection I see in the mirror, to the point where I avoid looking in mirrors as much as possible now. I am absolutely terrified that I will end up alone and no one will ever love me the way I am.

My last chemo is next Monday, and people keep asking me if I'm excited. I should be, but I'm not. Sure, it's the last time that I'll have to spend 5+ hours in that chair, but it's not the last time I'll have to be there. I still have to go in once every 3 weeks until next March for the Herceptin only infusions, which will take about 30min-1 hour. And yeah, it'll be the last time I'll have to cold cap, and I can't wait to send all that stuff back to the company I've been renting it from, but I still have to wash my hair in cold water until about October, and I'll continue to shed hair. I feel like I'm down to about 50% of my normal hair left, and every time more hair comes out, I cry. I miss being able to wash my hair in hot water, and blow-dry and straighten it. Yesterday I made the mistake of looking at pictures of myself from last fall, and I cried a lot because that version of me is gone. I cried because I had full eyebrows, full and long eyelashes, and my hair was growing long from when I chopped it off last June. That is not who I see now. Every time I complain about these things - my eyebrows, my hair, my weight gain - my mom writes them off as if none of it is a big deal. Last night she told me "You're making it seem worse than it is by dwelling on it." I don't think that's fair of her to say. It downplays my anger and frustration and pain. I'm allowed to feel this way. I was finally starting to love myself, and now I hate what I see because of all that I'm going through. I know that maybe next year I'll be  able to look in the mirror again and see the version of me that I saw last year - the one that I was starting to fall in love with, who genuinely was enjoying life and staying positive. Right now, she just seems so far out of reach. A distant memory. Excitement for my last treatment is the wrong word. I don't know what the right word is, but it's not that.

I'm afraid that I'll never get that happy version of me back. Afraid that I will always be alone, with no one to love me. Afraid that my cancer will come back.

Life is never going to be what it once was. And I hate that.