chemo whitney

I'm in a huge funk right now. I know it's most likely due to the fact that I have to go to the infusion center tomorrow for my 5th chemo, and I'm dreading it. I go through the motions - set my alarm, re-pack my chemo bag, make sure I take the necessary medications when I'm supposed to - but I hate it every single time. Even though I've known it was coming, I don't want to go. I never want to go. It's a long day, made even longer by the cold capping process, and it's just draining. This last round of chemo has been the hardest emotionally for me so far. I feel so close to being done, but still so far. I think I've had a harder time this round because more of the physical changes are manifesting and are harder to ignore. I barely have half of my normal eyebrows left, and the hardest part of my day is trying to make sure I fill them in evenly. My clothes don't fit the same because I've gained upwards of 13 pounds over the last few months due to the steroids. I try hard to eat healthy, but most of it just comes out the other end within a few hours, so it seems pointless. I'm having bad acne, probably because of all the different medications. Last night, I looked at pictures of myself from a few months ago, and I cried myself to sleep because I don't look the same. I know that whenever I bring up these concerns to other people, they don't notice the weight gain, or want to be encouraging and try to give me positive feedback, but it's hard to accept it. I see something different in the mirror. I see the puffy cheeks, the lack of muscle that I had gained months ago, the fact that it's hard to pull up my jeans every morning.

I'm sure I could find more things that are making me unhappy, but the list could get pretty long, and I know it wouldn't help me any. I realized earlier today that it's incredibly hard to go through all of these physical changes in a society that places so much emphasis on outward beauty.

This is "Chemo Whitney". I really can't wait for when I can get "Normal Whitney" back. But, I know that's not possible. Because from here on out, whoever I am after this experience, is going to be a combination of both of those versions of me.

I look forward to the day when I don't hate looking in the mirror anymore.