Giving myself permission to not be okay..

..is one of the hardest things for me. In a way, I feel like I need to put on a happy face a lot of the time, and then that just adds to my stress level. After thinking about the nurse from Monday's comment that I have a great attitude and how it bugged me a little, I think I realized this is the reason why I have a great attitude. I don't want people to know how much I'm suffering. Chemo number 4 hasn't been too bad as far as physical side effects. The fatigue is definitely a lot worse and so is the mental fogginess. But I think I'm struggling the most this time around with mental and emotional problems. I can tell that I'm a lot more down in the dumps than chemo's past. And I know no one will blame me for that - this sucks. Chemo is definitely the most difficult and tiring thing I've done so far in my life. I just feel like I shouldn't show how much I'm struggling with it to people.

Today, I plan on changing that. I am going to try to allow myself to be patient with the process, and understanding of my struggles and emotions when things just really aren't okay. I am incredibly hard on myself, and that needs to stop. I'm not helping my situation by beating myself up constantly and trying to be "on" for other people. I'm sad that I spend most of my days in bed, but if that's what my body wants and needs, that's what I'll give it. I have always worried too much about the future, and right now I need to just focus on the here and now, and take everything one day, one moment at a time. I know I've said this before, but I think I need to keep repeating it to myself until it really sinks in.

It hit me earlier that my next chemo is on Tuesday, and I'm not ready for it. But really, who would be? I know the optimistic people out there would try to get me to see the positive side - it's one step closer to being done. And I know that. I do. But it doesn't make it any less crappy. It's a long day at the hospital, surrounded by sick people when I'm supposed to stay away from germs, where I get poison pushed into my body, and then I have no idea what side effects will pop up afterwards. It's not only physically exhausting, it's also mentally and emotionally exhausting. I'm just tired of the whole process. June 15 can't come fast enough.

I'm really tired of crying. My eyelids are constantly swollen from the outpouring of tears that escape on a daily basis. But, I'm giving myself permission to let the tears flow. If that's what I need in order to let out some frustration when words fail, then so be it.

Sooner or later, I'll be okay. But for now, it's okay that I'm not.