Am I doing cancer wrong?

On Monday, I had to go to the hospital to get an injection. The nurse that helped me was incredibly nice. I was told that I didn't need an appointment, but it turns out I did, but she fit me in anyway. Clearly, anyone accessing my chart can see my medical record, and I'm sure the first thing they notice is my cancer diagnosis. It's like the scarlet 'C' of the medical world. So, the nurse asked me about how  they found the cancer, and I told her I found the lump myself, and then went on to describe what happened next as far as confirming the cancer diagnosis. I pretty much have this speech memorized because of how often I've told the story. I should've kept a running tally. The nurse was impressed with me. She praised me for being aggressive in demanding an appointment with my OB despite the advice nurses suggestion to just ignore the lump. She said it was probably just a cyst that developed because I was about to start my period. I'm a little paranoid, so I asked her to schedule the appointment anyway. I needed to hear it from my doctor. And I'm incredibly happy and grateful that I listened to my gut feeling and insisted on scheduling the appointment. If I'd waited another month, my situation could've been a lot worse with how aggressive and fast my tumor was growing. So, I finished telling the nurse on Monday (I feel bad for not remembering her name) my story, and she gave me my shot in the middle of it, and then asked how far along in treatment I was. When I told her that I've had 4 chemotherapy infusions, and I'm due for my fifth next week, she looked shocked and said, "Wow, you look great!" I think what she really wanted to say was, "Wow, you still have hair!" but she was too polite. I almost told her about the cold caps, but I decided not to. Then, as I opened the door to leave, she said "You have such a great attitude about this. I'm impressed." I said thank you, and left. And for some reason, that comment really stuck with me. I texted Alicia about it and said "Am I doing cancer wrong? Like, should I be depressed and look like shit all the time?" She assured me that no, I'm not doing cancer wrong, I'm doing it the best way I know how to.

Here's the thing, and I'm pretty sure I've said this before, I do have my bad days. As a matter of fact, I've been having more bad days than good days lately. I cry on a daily basis about things that frustrate me, make me angry, that aren't fair, etc. It's all stuff that I can't really control, and it's almost all because of cancer. But, when I explain my situation and my story to someone, I do it in a way that's much more matter of fact than woe is me. I don't want people's pity. That's the biggest reason I kept my cancer a secret for as long as I did. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It sucks. It's super shitty. There's no denying that. But, this won't be my entire life. Sure, it's going to be a big part of my life for the next few months, and slowly it'll become something that's less at the forefront of my day to day, until finally the things that I have to do relating to cancer just become routing (like mammograms and taking the Tamoxifen daily for 10 years). I'm doing the best I can to make it through each and every day. It's becoming a lot harder as time goes on. I haven't had the energy to do much after this last chemo. I've spent most of my days in bed, and for the last week I've been sleeping 10+hours, which is actually making me more depressed. So many people have encouraged me to listen to my body, and if sleep is what I feel I need, I should sleep. But it makes me feel guilty and lazy. I know that I shouldn't because this is an incredibly difficult thing to go through, but I've always had a hard time giving myself permission to do what I need to do for me.

I'm trying to fix that. To put myself first. Because as everyone has told me, this is the perfect time to do that. I should be focusing on my health and recovering. I'm in a really difficult position with work because I started a new job in January. I'm still in training and on probation, so I'm not able to use any sick leave, and I don't qualify for FMLA leave. The added stress of trying to work through treatment has been leaving me even more mentally exhausted. My mental clarity is waning - it's hard for me to focus and to retain information because I'm so tired all the time. And while I try to focus on work while I'm there, it's easier said than done. It's hard to leave the stress of what's going on with my medical situation at the door. I made the decision to meet with HR on Monday, and luckily I have a really awesome rep who's going to try to work with me to find a solution for taking time off to finish treatment and hopefully save my job. I told myself months ago that if the side effects became too unmanageable, then I'd address my medical situation with them. That time has come. It's incredibly hard, though, for me to figure out what's best for me. I have a lot of other people's opinions in my ear. My mom thinks work is a good distraction, but I don't feel like I'm putting my best self forward because of my medical situation. I also don't even know if I like the job. I'm grateful for the job because it's provided me with medical coverage and the income has helped me pay down debt and save money, but I don't know if it's something that I want to stay with. I feel like I'm a failure. I'm 27 years old, living at home, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm afraid to leave this job because it would leave a gap in my resume and then I'm also afraid of not having enough skills to find another job that pays well and offers the same benefits. I feel like it's a pipe dream to want a job that I like and that I don't dread going to every day. Before I found out I had cancer, I thought that my life was finally on track. I was happy, and I felt like I was finally making strides to becoming the person I wanted to be. It's amazing how quickly things can turn.

My whole life feels like it's a snow globe and someone is holding it upside down to get the little glitter flakes to float around, but they haven't turned me right side up yet.

To others, it may seem like I'm doing well, but in reality, I feel like I'm barely holding it together.