wait, what was i saying?

This week the fatigue from chemo has hit me really hard. Yet again, I found myself dreading Monday's infusion. But let's be realistic, who'd be excited to go to the hospital to get pumped full of poison? I know that it's for a good reason, but it doesn't change it from sucking. Every time I say, "I don't want to do it" or "I don't want to go," my mom reminds me that I have a choice - I don't have to do it. I could stop at any time. But deep down, I know that's not true. I don't really have a choice. Because not going through chemo would be putting myself at risk for recurrence. It's this battle of knowing it's the right thing to do, and not wanting to endure the shit storm that follows. You'd think that it'd get easier with time - that you start to know what to expect, but that's not really the case. Because each infusion brings new side effects that may not have been there before. There's no real way to know what my body might feel like after a chemo day (or a "spa day" as the members of discussion board I'm on have dubbed them).

I was exhausted on Monday for my infusion. I felt great the day before - I even went on a hike with my friend, Kim. But then I started to get tired and decided to go home and take a nap. Sadly, that plan got hijacked by the jitters from the steroids I have to take before my infusion. I didn't sleep well that night, either. Every night since has been full of hot flashes, tossing and turning, and waking up a few times a night to go pee, despite my best efforts of watching my water intake and stopping all fluids about 2-3 hours before bed. It's kind of ridiculous the things that I have to think of now that never used to cross my mind. In addition to being hit by the fatigue truck big time this week, I've noticed that the joint/bone pain is back. My ribcage feels sore, which is a weird feeling. And sadly there's nothing I can really do to mitigate that pain, I can only just deal with it. That seems to be the answer to many of the side effects I experience. I tell my doctor about it, and the answer is "sorry, there's not really anything we can do about that." Like the nose bleeds. And this time around, my elevated liver enzymes. I've avoided Dr. Google since I know that will only bring me anxiety, but I got frustrated that my doctor brushed off my concern about it. It's apparently a really common side effect of one of my chemo drugs, but still, it's a little scary.

Okay.. this post is a garbled mess of mumbo jumbo, which seems to be an accurate portrayal of how my brain is working as of late. So, back to vegging out before work.

Later this week, maybe I'll detail my experience with having to learn to paint on my eyebrows... Thank goodness for YouTube videos.