Disappointment

Today I finally decided to treat myself to a massage. I've been wanting to get one for the last two months or so, and today I drove myself over to a little place that some friends suggested. I was hoping for 90 minutes of relaxation. Time where I could just indulge a little bit and not worry about anything, and let my sore muscles have some relief.

That's not exactly what happened.

I only have about 30% of my normal eyebrows left and I refuse to leave the house without my eyebrows done, so the only makeup I put on was eyebrow pencil. Before I laid down on the table, I was worried about them rubbing off onto the paper face thing. Then, when I laid down, my breast hurt from the pressure of laying on it. It's still incredibly sensitive from my surgery, even though it's been 6 months. Every time I've brought this up to my doctors, they've said that the pain is likely from scar tissue buildup, and that it may take up to a year for it to go away. Or it may never go away at all. So, even though I was supposed to be there for a relaxing massage, my body stayed tense on the table because I was in pain. In addition to my breast hurting, my port was also pressing into the table on the opposite side of my chest, and that hurt as well. I tried really hard to just breathe through the pain, relax, and enjoy the massage.

The guy walked into the room (I really don't care that it was a guy. My thought process was they have stronger hands, and I'm never going to see him again anyway, so who cares) and put the sheet all the way over my head and then started massaging my muscles over the sheet, which hurt. I've never had a massage where they've done that, and the rough sheet being rubbed against my skin was really uncomfortable. Then he started rubbing my head through the sheet and I tensed up even more, because I started worrying about him pulling out what's left of my hair. I tried to let it go, and just hope that my hair wouldn't fall out because of him rubbing my scalp, but I knew for sure he was causing more hair to come loose. Finally, he started massaging my back with lotion, and I tried to let the head rubbing go. Then, my nose started dripping, and I knew that it was likely bleeding. I've had bloody noses constantly as a side effect of chemo, so why would today be any different? It wasn't a really bad one - just runny with a little bit of blood. I tried to move my head to wipe it on the paper face protector. Then the masseuse started rubbing my neck, and kept pulling on my hair that had fallen out of my bun due to his head scrubbing. I heard a few strands snap off, and just cringed. He tried to move it out of the way a few times, but it kept falling back onto my neck, and more strands would fall out. When he started massaging my left arm, I was cringing. From my shoulder to my elbow, my arm is still numb from surgery since they took out a few lymph nodes. I was hoping the massage would help make it feel better, but it mostly just hurt.

In addition to being tense the entire time due to my worries about my hair, my eyebrows, and my bloody nose, I couldn't get my mind to quiet down (always a problem for me). So, my head was racing with these worries, and then would wander off to the stress I've been having because of work, and then would wander off to memories of someone who I'd really rather forget, or at least not have interrupt my thoughts anymore, then I'd admonish myself for not shutting the fuck up and trying to enjoy the massage. And so it continued for 90 minutes.

The masseuse left the room at one point, and so I removed the sheet from my head to put my hair back into a bun. He walked back in and tried to take the hair tie from me, but I insisted on moving my hair up of my shoulders so he'd stop pulling on it. He then wiped the lotion off my back with hot towels, and I thought we were done. Instead, he had me turn over, and started massaging my head again. I was freaking out because he was really scrubbing hard, and I was practically counting the strands of hair that he was pulling out of my scalp. I finally spoke up and asked him to stop scrubbing my scalp. He didn't speak much english and so he just laughed and kept scrubbing. I asked again, and he kept going. Finally, I moved my head up from the table and away from his hands and said "Please stop. I don't want you touching my head. My hair is falling out." So then he moved on to my face, and started massaging my jaw. He moved up to my eyes, and I could feel that he was wiping off my eyebrows. That's about the point when I could feel the tears rolling down my face. First, one tear down my left cheek, then the other made it's way down my right cheek, despite my best efforts to will it to stay in my eye. He moved his hands down to my shoulders, and so I had to tell him not to touch my port and moved the sheet to show him. Luckily, this time, he understood and didn't touch it. Finally, he said we were done and left the room. I started crying openly as soon as the door shut behind him. I got up, put my clothes on, and found tissue to wipe my face with. Then I looked in the mirror, and my thoughts were confirmed - my drawn on eyebrows were completely wiped off. I held back more tears, and walked out of the room. The masseuse was waiting in the hallway with a cup of water for me, and I tried to hide my anger and frustration, and said thank you.

I had plans of going to the mall after the massage, but was just so frustrated by this experience, that I decided not to. I sat in my car and drew on new eyebrows, went to starbucks for coffee, and drove home, trying not to cry more. I should have known better than to attempt a massage while having so many issues. I was just really hopefully that it would be something that would lift my mood, instead of making it worse. I hate feeling like cancer has taken away so much from me. I know that saying that makes it seem like I'm playing the victim - but it's so fucking true. Cancer is the focal point of my life right now, and it's all consuming. It plays a factor in everything I do. Earlier this week, my friend Paulina and I were going to go zip lining in Santa Cruz because I'd been wanting to go, but I felt so shitty after last weeks chemo, that I didn't want to risk over doing it. I knew my body couldn't be trusted on a two hour zip lining tour to not have a sudden urge of diarrhea. Instead we went to Half Moon Bay and walked around downtown, then sat at the beach, and had lunch. It made for a nice, relaxing afternoon. Later that night, I realized it was the 6 month mark since I'd been diagnosed. I couldn't have thought of a better way to spend it - enjoying the nice weather, watching seals sunbathe on the beach, and catching up with a good friend.

I probably won't be getting another massage any time soon. At least, not until my eyebrows have fully grown back, and my hair sheds less. And most likely not at this same place. I'm mostly just angry that I tried to do something nice for myself, and it made me just more pissed off about my current situation. I only have nine days left until my last chemo - but my overall journey is far from over.