I'm currently sitting in bed, trying to convince myself to get up and get dressed because I need to go drive down to the hospital for my routine blood draw. But instead of getting out of bed, I'm hiding under the covers, trying to breathe through the panic I'm feeling.
I'm scared to almost be done with this. I expressed to a friend yesterday that instead of being excited about my last chemo, I'm incredibly anxious. She made a good point - chemo is still chemo, no matter where the session comes in the lineup. She's so right. Maybe that's what people don't get as far as me not wanting to celebrate. It's still this shitty thing that I have to endure, and I'll likely still be experiencing the side effects for another month or two. And on top of trying to recover from chemo, I'm going have to endure the new side effects from radiation. Plus, I'm still dealing with a lot of residual pain from my surgery, even 6 months later. I've asked both my oncologist and my surgeon about it, and they say it's normal to experience pain for a long time. I don't want to just deal with it, so I finally put in a request to see a lymphedema trained physical therapist in the hopes that they can teach me stretches to help my sore muscles, and also hopefully do some scar tissue massage to ease the pain in my breast.
The pain, frustration, fear, isolation, and agony don't stop with chemo. I'm starting to realize that it's only just begun.
I guess I should get out of bed now and face the needle.
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