Fairness

I'm struggling this week. Struggling with survivorship, with wondering if chemo was enough to rid my body of cancer, with being alone at night and not having someone to comfort me and wipe away my tears while also trying to suppress my doubts about the efficacy of my treatment.

Let's recap on Mondays chemo...

My infusions have been delayed by at least an hour every single time, so I didn't expect my last infusion to be any different, and it wasn't. My appointment was at 10:30, and we didn't get started until after 12:00. Once again, my oncologist had to decide whether to keep my dosage of meds the same or lower them. Ultimately he decided to lower them, but even though he approved the lower dosage I still had to wait for the pharmacy to approve it, which is what always causes the delay. While I waited, I received magnesium through an IV, which was a first. Apparently my levels were low. Eventually, my meds were released by the pharmacy, and the last infusion was officially under way, and by around 3 or 4pm, we were heading home.

This past week hasn't been too bad as far as side effects are concerned. I'm pretty sure the extra magnesium threw my stomach off, so trips to the toilet have been more frequent than usual, and I almost feel like some adult Depends wouldn't have been a bad idea. Luckily, I haven't had any accidents, but there have been close calls. When Friday rolled around, which is usually my worst day after an infusion, I kept counting my fingers and realizing that it had been four days since I'd been in "the chair" and was amazed that I didn't feel horrible. I'm still feeling tired, and simple tasks exhaust me, but I haven't had much nausea or heartburn, and the neuropathy in my hands and feet seems to be a little less. I am, however, still having bloody noses. I woke up in the morning with one, and then also woke up around 2 am with another one. What's strange is, it's always on the same side.

My exhaustion hit pretty hard yesterday at father's day dinner at my grandparents house. After about 3 hours there,  I was starting to fall asleep at the table, so I had to go lay down on the couch. Not too long later, my family and I were driving home, and I spent the rest of the night in bed.

I'm not looking forward to starting radiation in a few weeks. I'm already tired thinking about it. I just want my life to level out a little bit. This year has been incredibly hard, like a constant tornado of crap, and I just want my life to have a moment of calm for once. I feel like the cow that was being tossed around by a tornado in the movie Twister. You know how they say there's a calm before the storm? Last summer and fall felt like that calm for me. I was at my happiest - content with all aspects of my life. Then fall rolled around, and the biggest storm of my life to date came rolling in, and it hasn't stopped yet. When I was first diagnosed, almost every person I told responded with, "This isn't fair. You shouldn't have cancer." and I would tell them "Life isn't fair." Because it's not, and I had no explanation as to why this happened to me. Now, I've finally allowed myself to agree with this popular opinion. This isn't fair. It's not okay that I'm 27, young and healthy, and I got cancer. It's not okay that people even younger than me get diagnosed with cancer or other incurable diseases.

I'm (not very) patiently waiting for the day when cancer doesn't consume me and my thoughts on a daily basis. I know that day is probably far off in the future, but the fact that I know it's there helps me to look forward. I've made it through so much already in the last 6 months, that I can get through 6 weeks of radiation. I'm just going to have to push forward the same way I've been doing - one day, one hour, even one second at a time.

For the cow reference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dQgjrrEeHA