Finding an Outlet

I've been considering starting a blog again for a while, for a variety of reasons. Mostly to get my thoughts out of my head, but also to reach a wide audience all at once, and to document my current chapter in life for later review. In many ways, I'd like to just endure what life has handed to me and then move on from it when it's over, but realistically, there's no way I'd really be able to do that. As much as I don't want this chapter to define me, it's definitely steered the course of my overall story, and will definitely change the outcome, whether I want it to or not. It may not define me as a whole, but it is a defining moment. There's no denying that.

I'm 27 years old, and I have breast cancer. Or is it had? I still haven't figured out which is the right tense to use since the tumor was removed, and so far as we know, all the cancer is gone. Nobody expects to hear those words, you have cancer, especially at my age. But, the reality is that those words get told more often than one might think to people my age, and also to people even younger than I am. I wasn't immune to that reality before my diagnosis, but it's still one of those events where you just don't expect it to happen to you. I remember crying two years ago when I found out that someone I've known since I was 6 years old was diagnosed with Leukemia. And now, here I am two years later, crying over my diagnosis, and she's offered to be a pillar of guidance and support for me through my journey. One of the most frustrating parts of my diagnosis has been my research. I was, and still am, so frustrated that the statistics for breast cancer don't really include younger women. Almost every day, I'd read a new article, and it would state "breast cancer most often occurs in pre-menopausal women over 50." Then why the fuck is it happening to me at 27? I've been active and fairly healthy all my life. I rarely drink, don't smoke, have never done drugs, I have no genetic history and no genetic predispositions, and yet here I am with cancer. It's still something I haven't completely come to terms with. It's only something that I can accept as my new reality. I'll very likely never have an answer to the 'why' other than 'just because'. And that's incredibly frustrating, and devastating. I use to try my best to think that "everything happens for a reason," and now that this has happened to me, I have trouble believing that statement. Maybe the reason behind it will expose itself to me one day in my future, but for right now, I no longer hold that statement as truth. Probably because I'm angry at life for dealing me this shitty card.

In certain ways, I don't want to be 'just another number', but in many ways, I do. I want to raise awareness that younger women can be diagnosed with breast cancer, too. That statistics regarding this diagnosis need to make a better effort at reflecting this reality. It's more prevalent in younger generations than people think. I certainly wasn't aware of that until my diagnosis, and meeting other women close to my age that have also been diagnosed. That's not to say that I think every woman will get breast cancer. But I think women should be cognizant of that possibility, and take preventative measures such as self breast exams and mammograms. Preventive health care plays a big role in diagnosis, and I am grateful and lucky that I caught my lump early enough to be classified as stage 1. To be honest, I've never done self breast exams. I just happened to feel something unusual in my breast during my shower that day in November, and while I tried not to think it was cancer, I always knew in the back of my mind that it was a possibility. I'd like to find a way to make an impact and stress the importance of early detection and of administering self breast exams. I'd like to raise awareness to the fact that breast cancer also affects young women, not just your best friends neighbors 70 year old grandmother. While I tried to hide my diagnosis and treatment for the first 3 months of my treatment, now I'm ready to expose my experiences along the way. It's not always going to be all sunshine and rainbows, that much I can guarantee. But it will be open and honest about my experience.