Lonely

Today I'm feeling lonely.

Not that I don't have people to talk to - so many people have offered to lend an ear if I need to talk or vent or even just cry. People that I never would've expected. For that, I'm beyond grateful. It's reminding me how generous and selfless people can be when you're experiencing a tough time.

I'm lonely in the relationship sense of being lonely. I miss having someone there to always comfort me. I really, really miss being held. Maggie is only a good cuddle buddy on occasion, but she doesn't cuddle back. I love to be touched - holding hands, having an arm around my shoulder, a hand on my thigh while watching a movie, and being little spoon. There's nothing like being enveloped in the arms of someone that loves you, and I haven't had that in a long time. I crave being touched. I miss being physically comforted by someone when I'm having a tough time. Just being held and letting the tears flow when I can't find any words to express my emotions. I miss having someone there to kiss the tears off my cheeks and let me know that they're going to be there for me, no matter what.

Honestly, I'm scared that I'll never find that kind of love again. Because who is going to take the risk of loving someone with cancer? People keep telling me that the "right" person won't think that way. And logically, I know that. But in my heart, I feel like I'm damaged goods. I can barely look at my new body in the mirror, so why would anyone else think my scars are beautiful? I'm struggling to accept this new body of mine, and I'm hesitant to open up to anyone new. How am I supposed to tell someone new that I date that I've had cancer? What if they cut and run? Again, I know that any decent human being wouldn't do that, but there are people out there that can't handle this level of seriousness. Besides - when do you tell someone that you've had cancer? Before the main course gets served? "How's your steak? Oh, by the way, I had breast cancer." Do you get it off your chest immediately to try to weed out the people who wouldn't be able to handle the news? Or do you wait to get close to someone to see if they're relationship material, and then drop the bomb? But in that scenario, what if they are in the category of people that can't handle the news, and they leave, and then my heart gets broken? I feel like I'd be scared to tell anyone again. Like, maybe I'm just better off being alone for the rest of my life rather than risk any of the potential heartbreak.

And.. how is anyone supposed to love me if I'm struggling to love myself? I know that this version of myself - Chemo Whitney as a friend called it - is only temporary. Eventually I'll have control over my life again and this will all shape who I am. But I'm scared of opening up to someone new. I know that no matter who we date, no matter what situation they may be in, we all take a risk when we decide to enter a relationship with that person. There's inherent risk with any type of relationship, be it dating or otherwise, that the person might leave. Or, to take it a step further, that the person might die and we might lose them. I know that it's not likely that my cancer will kill me - but it is possible. I went for a walk one day a few months ago and had a break down. I remember texting a friend, "I don't want to die." I know that I can't think that way, and I'm trying not to, but the thought is still occasionally there.

I hope that one day, I'll be able to accept this new body, and that when I share it with someone, they'll be able to tell me how beautiful I am, not in spite of my scars, but because of them, and what they represent. Because I know that the "right" person, or any decent person, really, will see them, will hear their story, and will see me as that much more beautiful for tackling cancer. I'm trying really hard to accept them, to love myself in spite of them, but it's hard. I hope that one day I'll be proud of them and tell anyone who's scared of them to just fuck off.

When the time is right, love will find me again. Most likely when I least expect it. I've had my heart broken before, and I've broken hearts along the way, and I will make it through whatever comes my way in the future. I think of a quote by Maya Angelou often, "Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time." There's no right answer for when or how to tell someone about my disease (I fucking hate that word, by the way). For now, though, I'm focusing on making it through chemo, because that's really all I have energy for. In a way, I'm grateful to be alone during this time. I wouldn't want to be an emotional burden for a boyfriend, especially because it's in my nature to protect other people's feelings when I'm struggling (as evidenced in my last post, and even here in that sentence. I really do need to start worrying about my own feelings and putting myself first).

Maybe I should just buy a boyfriend pillow for now. Ha.