water works

I think I've cried every day this week. I don't know how I have any tears left. Maybe the 2 quarts of fluid I'm drinking daily is just finding its way out through my tear ducts. I feel like an emotional wreck for so many reasons. Over my weight gain, my hair thinning and looking ridiculous, my eyelashes falling out, my puffy face.... all of the things I've been complaining about. I'm mentally and physically exhausted from this experience, and what I've opened up about on this blog is really only the half of it. I've experienced so many other emotions over the last few months, I'm not even sure I'd be able to accurately recall all of them. Like I've said before, I sometimes wish I'd started this blog sooner so as to capture all of those emotions, but in a way, I'm also glad I didn't. Because the less evidence of those trials and emotions, maybe the less they'll stick with me, and the quicker I can recover from them.

I've had a few people tell me that they're proud of me for how I'm handling myself during this experience, and while I know they mean well, sometimes it makes me angry. Because I don't even want to be going through this shit at all. I didn't have a choice in getting cancer, and I'm just going through the motions the best that I can. I'm trying really hard not to pity myself, but there are days when I need that. In the beginning, I didn't want people to know for that very reason - I didn't want people pitying me or feeling sorry for me. I'm pretty sure there were a few people I told that acted like I was dying, and I quickly had to tell them to stop because that's not the case. I have to tell myself that's not the case so that I can stay as positive as possible. That doesn't mean I'm not afraid that I might die, because I am afraid of that, but I can't let that thought take over. If I do, cancer wins. And I refuse to let that happen.

Monday is my next chemo, and I'm not looking forward to it. But who the hell would? I hate that chair with a passion, but I know that one more day in the chair means one more day to being closer to the end of this part of treatment. The plan is for me to have radiation after chemo is over, but I'm trying to deal with one phase of treatment at a time so as not to get too overwhelmed. This whole experience is just a giant shit sandwich, and today I have to agree with everyone that's told me that this isn't fair. It's not. No one should have to go through this, ever.

I really want my life back.