Strength

A common response to me telling people what my life has been like over the last few months is, "You're so strong." or "You inspire me.", or a combination of the two. The most deeply profound response that has stuck with me came from a close friend in the form of a christmas card. He said, "I've been able to learn so much by watching you walk through fire and to see you coming out more radiant on the other side." That line has stuck with me over the last four months. It's gotten me through many tough days and nights. Especially because I don't feel radiant. I definitely still feel like I'm in the throes of fire, but I don't feel like I've reached the other side of it. I thought I had, but then my diagnosis came. It interrupted the life that I had been trying to create for myself.

I've almost always been a negative person. Cynical, unhappy, a worry-wort... I had a hard time seeing the positives in situations. I'm not sure when or why that started, but there came a point last year when I knew I had to change. A friend of mine didn't necessarily verbalize that she had an issue with my negativity, but we stopped hanging out as much, and it was easy for me to figure out why. She didn't want to be around someone who was constantly angry about things, and I didn't blame her. Who would? I also realized that I didn't want to live my life that way anymore. It took a lot of effort, and there were still bad days, but I started slowly changing my mindset. I had to force myself to see the silver lining in every bad situation to remind myself that things could be a lot worse. Eventually, I didn't have to force myself - it just became natural after time. I was proud of myself for trying to change my life in a good way. It not only affected me - it also started to affect the people around me. I enjoyed work a little more just because I was in a better mood by letting things roll off my shoulders and being thankful that I at least had a job. I would make it an effort to smile at least three people a day, and it always gave me the warm fuzzies when they'd smile back!

Well, I admittedly haven't been doing a good job of keeping up this positive attitude since December. I know that everyone reading this would excuse me from that due to everything I've gone through since then, but I feel like that's me settling. It would be me letting my cancer take over my life - which is something I refuse to do. I'm doing my best to allow myself to have bad days and not feel guilty for them, but I also am trying to remain hopeful that this will only be something I endure once. If I let myself think anything other than that, then I'd just be living out my days chalking them up on a wall, waiting for my time card to be punched - and that's no way to live. Even when I was first diagnosed, all of the doctor's I met were impressed by my positivity. I was determined to stay on this positive track, despite cancer coming and trying to disrupt things. I don't know if I was actually positive, or if I was putting on a brave face for everyone else. I cried a lot when I was alone, I still cry a lot - hell, I'm crying now typing this, just remembering what I felt all those months ago (man... has it really been four months already?) because I didn't want people to see me as weak. Which is ironic, because every single time someone tells me how strong I am - I kind of scoff. Me? Strong? They must be talking about someone else. Because I feel anything but strong. I was thinking today, I wish I had started this blog when I first got diagnosed, because then maybe I would've been able to be more open and honest about the bad days I had. But all I can do is write about what I remember of my experiences over the last few months, and try to hold on to the lessons I've learned while still moving forward. I don't want to fall back into my rut of negativity. I have too much life left to live for me to give up here. So, I make an effort to see friends, to have routines, and to be grateful for my life. I am oddly grateful that this happened to me at 27, because older women have a much harder time during chemo. My treatment has been fairly easy. I feel like my age is a blessing - my body is more resilient, and I will heal and move on from this.

I don't always feel strong, and I almost never believe it when people tell me that they think I'm strong, but looking back, I can at the very least say I'm proud of what I've overcome thus far. There's still a long road ahead of me, and there will be weak days, but I need to stay positive. Not for anyone else, but for me. Because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let my cancer take away that goal I was working towards. I think I forgot that over the last few months, but the reminder came back today for whatever reason, and I need to remember to smile and keep finding the silver linings. Because they're always there... sometimes you just need to look a littler harder. I can think of quite a few that my diagnosis has provided me with.