I know that at some point, I'll have to. I guess that's the blessing and the curse of radiation being five times a week - it forces me to get up, get dressed, and go outside. I think I need that right now. Otherwise, I would stay here, in the protection of my pillows and blankets, creating a fort for safety, reminiscent of childhood, knowing full well that the cotton and down won't actually protect me.
It's July, but the weather is grey and bleak, fitting my mood. Actually, the weather has fit my mood almost every day I've had a cancer chore. Surgeries, chemo appointments, and now radiation. It's as if Mother Nature is wallowing in sadness with me. She's mourning my innocence lost just as much as I am. Summer is meant for happy times. Playing in the sand, feeling the ocean waves lap at my feet, smiling with friends, soaking up the sun. Not dreary exam rooms, cold radiation centers, paper vests, and sleepless nights filled with anxiety.
My whole body aches. And I know it's both from the last of the chemo, as well as my anxiety and depression. I hear people tell me how strong I am, how impressed they are with me. If they knew all of the demons floating in my head, I wonder if those sentiments would still hold true.
I'm so tired of being strong. I wish someone else would fight for me.
I'm going to pull the blankets over my head and keep hiding from the world. At least for a little while longer. Maggie and George are keeping me company.
edit: why did this happen to me?
No comments:
Post a Comment