Today I was thinking about how much I keep saying I want my life and my body back. How much I miss my old self - my old hair, my old skin, my old body, my old life... And I finally realized (or maybe I've said this already, and have just forgotten) that I'm never going to be that same person again. No matter how hard I try to be that girl, she's gone. The same general shell still exists, but there's no denying that cancer will have a lasting impact on me, physically and mentally.
I have to let go of the idea of getting my old self back, and start accepting the me as I am now, cancer and all. This body of mine is an amazing thing - it's fighting cancer. That's a pretty big task to take on, and I should be more proud of it, rather than hating it so much. I struggle so much with feeling beautiful and proud of my body, and it's weighing on me. The ghost of my pre-cancer self taunts me, and I am so tired of her negatively impacting me.
I've made a practice of actually looking at myself in the mirror every morning, and trying to really see myself and accept the reflection. For the past 6 months, I've barely been able to look in the mirror. Now, I've been making it a point to accept the scars that mar my skin, and be proud of them, like most people tell me I should be. I brush my teeth topless, forcing myself to get comfortable in this new body of mine. It's a difficult process, but I hope that eventually, I won't have to force myself to look in the mirror. Maybe one day, I'll be proud of the reflection again.
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