The art of letting things go

As I've said before, I have a really hard time letting things go. I've been known to hold grudges for extended periods of time, letting anger and hatred and hurt take precedence over forgiving, accepting, and healing. And that's no way to live. I even have a tattoo reminder of a balloon with the string saying "let it go".

One thing that cancer has given me is better perspective on how I should be living my life. I've always had the notion that life should be this linear process - go to school, graduate, get a career, buy a house, get married, have children - but I'm learning that life is rarely linear. It ebbs and flows, and there are immense challenges along the road that will frequently throw you off course. Like getting a cancer diagnosis at 27. I never could have expected this or planned for it, it just happened. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there's no real explanation for this happening to me, and the more I accept this, the easier it is for me to heal from it.

Yesterday, I met with my HR rep to put in for a leave of absence from my job. I've been considering doing this for a long time, but have hesitated out of fear of losing the job, and subsequently losing my medical benefits. However, after long, hard consideration, I decided I needed some time off in order to focus on my radiation treatment, and healing. I've been on the go nonstop since December, with biopsies, surgeries, doctor's appointments, chemo, all while trying to learn a new job. I'm exhausted. So, now is the time that I put myself first - which I'm also very bad at doing. I've had anxiety about putting in for this leave, and there was also some push back from family about why I shouldn't do it, but this is what's best for me.

While considering what I'd do on this leave, I started thinking about how I really want to work on my goal of forgiveness. I decided that life is way too short to continue to hold onto anger and resentment. It's weighing me down, and definitely not helping me lead a healthy life, which is so integral to my healing. Having emotional baggage does just as much damage as having physical ailments. Almost immediately after making this decision to let things go, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. My heart started to fill with love, rather than hate or anger. I thought of so many people that I could forgive, whether they know they hurt me or not, and I started crying, simply for the fact that I should've done this much sooner. I've been deeply hurt by friends, significant others, and simply by events that have happened in life that are out of my control. And I'm tired of being angry. It's time to move forward.

I know that simply making this decision is only one step towards letting things go that are weighing me down, and I know that I'll likely have slip ups or moments of weakness where I'll be hurt over something that has happened in the past. But at least now I can recognize those feelings, accept them, try to turn them into positive feelings instead, and move forward.

Some quotes about moving on and letting go:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lorenzo-jensen-iii/2015/07/70-inspirational-quotes-about-letting-go-and-moving-on/