Radiation: day 1

My first day of radiation was yesterday. This time around, I took an Ativan beforehand to calm my nerves, and hope that I wouldn't cry on that table again. People keep telling me that I'm so strong. If only they knew how frequently I crack under the weight of this burden. I am not kidding when I say I cry everyday. With every blog post I write, I will the tears to stay within my eyelids, but defying my pleas, they spill out and over, running down my cheeks.

All of my nurses at the radiation office are nice, which makes these situations easier to handle. Once again, I was told to undress from the waist up, and put on a paper vest. My nurse Tracy said I could close the curtain around me for privacy. I figured, what's the point? You're going to see it all in a minute anyway. So I changed out of my clothes, put on my stylish paper vest, and climbed onto the table. She positioned me the same way I was laying on the table last week, and told me we would be doing x-rays first, then we'd start the radiation. I asked if I could breathe or if I needed to hold my breath, she said I could breathe, but instructed me not to move. There was music playing in the background, I'm sure to ease the mood. All in all, I was probably only on the table for maybe 10 minutes. Perhaps it was longer - I'm bad at measuring time. I met two other nurses that were there, and I couldn't help but think "oh, great, more to add to the list of people that have seen my breasts." I'm not entirely sure how long that list is, but I'm starting to think it's more than 30 since November.

The second nurse, whose name I can't remember, instructed me to lather my lotion on the area where they marked my chest, since that's where the radiation was targeted. I asked about swimming and sweating, and she said both of those things are fine to do. I want to get back to the gym so I can attempt to lose the almost 20 pounds I've gained over the last 4 months of chemo. I'd like to be able to look in the mirror again without wanting to break it.

I lathered on my calendula cream, which made me smell like olive oil - I felt like I was making pasta - and redressed. Then met the nurse in the room, who handed me my radiation schedule. I'm not sure why they feel the need to waste paper and print it out when it's at the same time every week day for 6 weeks, but I guess some people prefer it. I asked a few more questions, then I was on my way.

Later in the afternoon, I took a nap, which was the first time in quite a while I've actually been able to do that. I foresee quite a few of those in my future over the next few weeks. I think it's a combination of the treatment, the anxiety, and the frequency of having to go to the office, that contribute to the fatigue.

Today, my breast feels a little tight in the radiated area. It stayed pink for a little while after the treatment, but finally returned back to my pale white color. I'm hoping that this treatment goes smoothly.

One of my radiation tattoos.

 All of the things in my arsenal for radiation summer camp.

 My body as cancer's canvas.