I've been wanting to try to find a way to make an impact with my writing, and my friend Alicia has provided me with an opportunity to do just that by sharing a call for writers to submit a piece about their experience with cancer.
I started to type, but then would stop. It became clear to me yesterday, that it was because I didn't want to relive the emotions that I experienced during those early days. I really wish I had started writing then, rather than waiting a few months. Because it would have been great to look back at those moments - the breakdowns, the insights, the strength and perseverance, the fear..
Tonight I finally started typing, and came up with a rough draft of an essay. In order to try and remember some of those emotions, I looked back in the emails I had sent to friends and family during the early months of my diagnosis when I kept it a secret.
And in reading them, I am so saddened to realize how much more hope I had when I was first diagnosed than I do now. I've let myself backslide into a really dark place, and have let myself fall back into a pattern of negativity, when I had been so adamant that I would continue to live a positive life, and keep looking for silver linings.
I know that no one would blame me for feeling so sad, given the situation that I'm in. But I also know that if I have want any hope of moving beyond this, and living my life again, that I need to eventually start seeing the silver linings.
Just the other day, Alicia texted me, "You don't always get to choose what your silver linings are. But you do get to choose whether or not you see them." And she's right, my silver linings may be small compared to my bigger picture right now, but at least they're there. I just need to do a better job of opening my eyes.
I'm alive. I'm breathing. I'm healthy. I made it through chemo. I have an amazing support system, and have made so many incredible new friends over the last few months.
This may not be the life I hoped for, but it's a beautiful one, nonetheless.
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