Down the rabbit hole

I can feel myself slipping into a really dark place. Slowly, I'm building up this wall, layering brick and concrete, so that I'm almost completely isolated. My only company being the dark thoughts I've been having, weaving their way around my mind and through my heart. But I'm forcing myself to stop my work before laying down the last few bricks.

People ask how I'm doing, what's wrong, or if they can help. And it's becoming harder for me to respond to these questions, because I feel like I'm giving the same answers. I feel like a broken record, stuck on repeat. And it's beginning to feel like people don't want to hear it from me anymore. As if my allotted time to feel angry, sad, hurt, broken, and depressed has reached its end. But how am I supposed to move past this when it's still so much a part of my everyday life? It's not something I can just get over or ignore. 

I want to be able to find the beauty in life again. To find joy in small things, to take risks, and have adventures. Some people have said that this experience will give me more reason than ever to embrace life. But right now, I'm scared to actually live it because of the crippling fear that it will be taken away from me. I know that my time could be up at any moment, but I almost feel that if I allow myself to be happy again, like I was in November, then life will find another way to rob me of that happiness. 

I know that I can't stay scared forever. I'm going to have to let go of this fear in order to live the life that's waiting for me. The fear and pain is part of the healing process. For now though, as a dear friend just reminded me again, it's okay to not be okay. One day, I will be.